


Forged by Fire

by TheSongSmith



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Coda, Dean Needs A Hug, Dean-Centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, GODDAMMIT MARY, Gen, Heartbroken Dean, I had to write it HIS FACE, Post-Episode: s12e03 The Foundry, Season/Series 12, episode s12e03 Coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 20:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8416243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSongSmith/pseuds/TheSongSmith
Summary: Coda for S12E03: The Foundry. Because I just needed to unpack all the things Dean's heartbroken expression were saying to me.
Also references to S5E16: Dark Side of the Moon





	

_I never loved you. You were my burden._

Dean barely registers Sam’s flinch as the door slams shut, staring hard at a small stain on the table as the memories push against the wall he’s locked them behind.

“Dean…” Sam says softly, barely over a whisper. And he knows he should be the big brother now. He knows he should be comforting Sam, reassuring him that things would be okay, that Mary would be back after she’d adjusted a little more, that they weren’t losing her again. It’s almost an instinct by now. _Take care of Sam_ has always been objective number one in his life. But the words are getting louder, and the panic is already pushing through his veins, and he just can’t swallow it back this time. He’ll just have to remember to add this to his long list of failures.

When he looks in Sam’s direction, his eyes never make it above chest height. “I’m going to go clean up.” He almost impresses himself with how steady he sounds, though he feels anything but as he turns to walk down the hallway. Sam takes half a step, like he’s thinking about going after him, but changes his mind, watching him disappear behind his bedroom door.

The solid click of the lock is little comfort as the image of soft, hazel eyes turning yellow shoves its way past Dean’s defenses.

_Everybody leaves you, Dean…Ever ask yourself why?_

He tries to force the memories down, but they’re too strong, especially with the knowledge that Zachariah had been right pulsing behind them in time with his rapid heartbeat.

_Maybe it’s not them…Maybe, it’s you._

And that was it, wasn’t it? The thought that had been stuck in the back of his mind for far longer than the time since he’d watched those words leave her lips; saw the disdain in her expression. She wasn’t real; a trick designed to manipulate him. He knew that.

He’d told himself that what she’d said had been lies.

But now, having added one more name to the list of people he’d disappointed, a name he’d desperately hoped he’d never see there…he’s not so sure. After all this time, he’d managed it. He failed to be the son Mary wanted. And he wasn’t sure there was a lower level he could sink to.

He’s startled out of his head when a hand lands on his shoulder, and his first instinct is to fight, lashing out hard and hitting a solid wall. He looks up into concerned blue eyes, and as the rest of the room fades into view he finds himself on his knees beside the bed, gasping for breath.

“Dean, can you hear me?” Cas asks, still gripping his shoulder. It’s a little hard to hear over the blood pounding in his ears, but he manages a nod. The angel’s free hand presses against Dean’s chest, and he feels the familiar cool tingle before his racing heart starts to slow. “Take deep, slow breaths,” he orders.

Dean obeys without thinking, pressing into his touch and bringing one shaking hand to grip Cas’ wrist tightly. The angel doesn’t mention it, but the thumb near Dean’s shoulder rubs soothingly over his collarbone until his breaths come easier. “I…thought you were on a mission,” Dean mumbles quietly, keeping his gaze locked on the floor between them.

“I was,” Cas answers. “I felt your distress.” He hesitates for a moment, choosing his words carefully. “I know that you’re probably going to refuse and insist that you’re fine, but…I’d like to suggest we go a different route.”

Dean frowns slightly. “What are you suggesting?”

The angel shrugs slightly. “You could always try relaxing and allowing yourself to be comforted for once. We could perhaps discuss what upset you so much, rather than force it down until you explode again.”

“That’s…not really my thing,” Dean says quietly.

Cas eyes him critically. “And how is that working for you, Dean?”

He almost laughs at the question. “About this well. It doesn’t matter, I’m fine. I was handling it.”

“I could see that,” Cas answers, exasperated. “Tell me, do you actually enjoy suffering alone?”

Dean stares at him for a moment, surprised. “No,” he answers finally. “But it seems like a better choice than subjecting someone else to the inside of my head.”

Cas huffs. “Well, I’ve already seen it. So tell me. Why were you thinking about what Zachariah did?” Dean swallows, but stays quiet, and Cas sighs. “Dean…please. As your friend…I haven’t seen your thoughts this dark in a long, long time. Please, let me help.”

He watches as Dean hesitates for a moment, curling in on himself. “She’s gone,” he says after a long moment.

Cas frowns slightly. “Your mother? Why?”

“Same reason everyone else leaves,” he mutters bitterly. “I’m not good enough. I never have been. Not for dad, or for Sam, or anyone else.”

“That’s not true,” Cas says firmly. “Your father may have had some twisted expectations of you, but that wasn’t your fault. And I have no clue where this idea about Sam is coming from. Your brother loves you, more than anything. You know that.”

Dean frowns. “Not more than anything. Cas…I don’t know why you can’t see it. I…I’m no one’s first choice, okay? Nobody stays with me if they don’t have to. Hell, if we hadn’t been caught up in some stupid, celestial pissing match, Sam would have gone to school and never looked back. And I get it, believe me. It’s fine. I wouldn’t want to stay with me either if I had a choice. He could have gone to school, and married Jess, and been happy without ever seeing me again. And I was so desperate for someone to give a shit about me that I took that from him. And now I have to live with that. He’s here because he doesn’t have anywhere else to be, and that’s my fault.”

“It is not your fault,” Cas answers, anger leaking into his voice. “It was Azazel’s. He would have dragged your brother into this no matter what you had done, and that is unfortunate, but it does not make what happened your fault. I will not have you taking blame for things you couldn’t possibly have controlled.”

Dean groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. “It doesn’t matter. That’s not what we’re talking about.”

“Then what are we talking about?”

The human lets out a humorless laugh. “We’re talking about how I’m never what people want me to be. I mean, I knew I was a disappointment to dad. And I know I’d never be Sammy’s first choice. Or anyone’s choice, really. But I always kind of thought that at least…” he trails off, swallowing hard.

Cas’ expression softens. “You thought that at least you weren’t a disappointment to your mother,” he finishes. “Because she’d love you no matter what.”

Dean nods slowly. “As it turns out,” he whispers, “I was wrong about that too. I would give anything to be the Dean she wants. But I can’t be. I don’t know how. Just one more failure.”

Cas hesitates for a moment, then raises his hand, letting it hover a few inches from Dean’s temple. “May I?”

He nods, closing his eyes, and Cas touches his forehead gently, watching his memory of Mary leaving unfold.

 

_Every moment I spend with you reminds me of every moment I lost with them._

_I have to go. I’m sorry._

_I’m so…so sorry._

He nearly recoils at the pain Dean feels when her words register, the darkness thick and choking, every self-loathing thought Cas has ever tried to erase from Dean’s soul screaming in his head. He’s amazed that Dean managed to make it all the way back to his room before collapsing under the weight of it. When the memory catches up to them, he looks up, finding Dean watching him cautiously. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, the hand at Dean’s forehead gently sliding away. “I know that she has always meant a lot to you. And I understand why it hurt you so much to get her back, and then have her choose to leave. But I don’t believe that her choice had anything to do with you. It has to be a big adjustment, especially as a mother, to find out that you’ve missed so much of your children’s lives. She doesn’t even really know you and Sam, but that is in no way your fault. Once she takes some time to figure it all out, perhaps she’ll be ready to see who you really are, not the child she once knew.”

“That’s what scares me most,” Dean admits quietly. “That she will figure out what I’m like, and she’ll decide I’m not worth it.”

Cas smiles slightly. “I don’t know how she could possibly come to that conclusion, if she really got to know you.”

Dean glances up at him, surprised. “Really?”

“Really,” Cas answers. “Dean…you keep saying that no one would choose to stay with you if they had another choice. But…I did. And I don’t regret my choice. Not even a little. Why do you suppose that is?”

The human stares at him for a long minute. “Honestly…? I have no idea.”

Cas sighs. “Just…don’t hit me.”

Before Dean can ask why, he finds himself pulled up against the angel’s chest. Slowly, he lets his arms wrap around, hugging him back. “What…are you doing?”

“Hugging you,” Cas says. “I thought that would be obvious.”

Dean laughs softly. “Yes, I got that part. I mean…why?”

“Because you need it,” he answers. “And I see something in you that maybe you don’t. I see plenty of reasons to choose you. Once your mother has some time to think, I’m sure she will see them too.”

Despite himself, Dean can’t help but smile, taking a deep breath before he pulls out of the hug. “Thanks, Cas,” he says quietly. “I don’t know if I believe you, but…thanks. Especially for, you know, stopping my impending heart attack.”

“Any time,” Cas answers, smiling. “Are you going to be alright?”

Dean nods. “Yeah, I think so. You can head back to Ohio.”

Cas shrugs, helping him up from the floor. “It’s okay. He slipped away from me anyway.” He smiles. “Besides, I’d much rather be here.”


End file.
